Jeff Speaks Out: My Husband Will Take Your Questions Now

As promised, here are Jeff’s answers to your questions. He really is the best of husbands. I edited his answers only for grammatical errors, so here he is–frank, funny, and helpful.

How would you describe yourself?

I’m an athletic, fun-seeking, adventurous, people person. I enjoy boating, camping, hiking, anything outside. I love all the seasons. I enjoy singing and doing technical things at church. I value friendship and fun.

How do people react to you when they find out you are married to a woman who speaks on sex and has a ministry that encourages wives to make their marriages sizzle?

For the most of the men, I get a little nod and a wink. The women are cordial and polite. No one seeks me out for counsel about the bedroom.

What is your role in Jennifer’s ministry?

I am the technical lead support guy. I edit and duplicate her audio CD’s. If I’m at one of her speaking events, I often run the sound board. I recently set up a microphone/mixer/headphones arrangement at our house so she can more easily do radio interviews and coaching calls with better sound quality than she had using a cordless phone.

You’ve been married for 25 years. What advice do you have for couples?

The key to marriage is open communication. If something is not working or broken, don’t just accept it and try to live with the fallout. Be bold enough to confront it. Be vulnerable and take a risk. Don’t just live with or ignore the problem.

What advice do you have specifically for husbands?

I stay grounded with male friendship networks. The guys I spend time with, we have a good perspective on who we are and what a good life balance is. I usually have lunch at least twice a week with male friends.

When it comes to sex, it’s important for men to acknowledge that we are the way God made us to be and that’s okay. When we see our wives naked, that should be very exciting. If not, then you need to seek some help. It’s not dirty or nasty, that’s how we were made.

What advice do you have for wives?

Be open and receptive to your husband’s request for sex. Go with the flow and be open to spontaneous sex. Find your own groove, and don’t worry about how often other people are having sex.

Also, it’s important that a husband feels like his wife respects him. Without that, he may stop initiating sex.

What do you think is the biggest misconception people have about your marriage?

I wonder if they think we are “shagging and bagging” every night. We are normal people, no different from them. They might think we try EVERYTHING, but we are normal people.

What would people be surprised to know about Jennifer?

That she is fun and easy to spend time with. She’s not intimidating even though she has all these credentials. She has an adventurous spirit that is coming out the longer she is with me. For instance, she has gone kayaking with me.

What is like being married to Jennifer?

It’s a fun job. I think I’m the luckiest guy in the world. Men look at me with envy. I have high expectations for myself as a husband.

What misconceptions do you think people have about you as Jennifer’s husband?

They might think I get non-stop action, or that I have all the sexual problems she addresses in her blog. Neither is true.

Does Jennifer really do the Dares each month?

I’d say we’ve hit almost all of them.

One wife asked for your suggestions on her situation:

We are newlyweds and are still learning our likes/dislikes, turn-ons, and how we each initiate sex.  Lately, my husband has been very stressed because of his job and his family. When he’s stressed, he can’t seem to communicate his needs or wants, let alone if he’s even interested in sex.  I’ve been reading the CWIVES “When Your Husband Doesn’t Want Sex” series, and I can’t think of anything other than stress to be the reason.  I believe he does want sex.

He’s also a people pleaser and would rather “go with the flow” so no one gets their feelings hurt. I’ve talked to him repeatedly about sex, but that makes him feel like he’s disappointing me.  He said he doesn’t think he is great at sex, and that he’s still getting used to his body so he can feel awkward.

He also said when his mind is full, it’s hard for him to turn it off and get in sexy mode.  This is all quite exhausting for me: I keep sex in my mind all day so I’m in the mood just in case, plus I dislike my figure and am still getting used to letting him love me (which he does!) and giving myself that freedom.

I am the main initiator since he can’t break through his stress load which often leaves me feeling unattractive or uninteresting since he doesn’t initiate.  It’s also hard to be newlyweds and not get the chance to just have spontaneous sex.  He can’t seem to do it if I don’t prep him ahead of time.  I’m so confused.  I feel like we are in reverse roles!

Other than praying for the Lord to bring his desire for me to life, and for my own self- image and his stress load, do you have any suggestions for me in this situation?

Jeff’s response:

This may seem a bit unusual for a newlywed couple; however, I think there are actually many couples that struggle with the same issues of external stressors affecting their marriage.  It sounds like you guys prefer the evening for your romantic intimacy.  This might be a problem for your husband after a long, hard day at the office.  I would recommend that you guys try experimenting in the morning.  If he showers before work, join him in the shower, etc. 

For the spontaneous sex, I would encourage you guys to try other places in the house other than the bedroom.  You can also go back to your high school days and go on an old fashioned car date! The CWIVES’ monthly dares can also be a good starting place.

I would also encourage your husband to foster some male friends that he can laugh and do things with from time to time.  It is very important for guys to have other men in their lives to shore each other up from time to time.  This also provides good opportunities for your husband to vent his work stress and to see how other men are handling their marriages.  Both of you should pray for other couples with whom to be friends.  God is good, and He will provide. Be patient, with God and with your husband.

Let’s show Jeff some love for bravely answering all these questions! Please share your comments in the Reply section below.

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