Guest Blog: Becky Kiser on “A Year’s Worth of Screws”

Today’s blog is written by the delightful Becky Kiser (you can read her previous CWIVES guest blog at this link http://www.cwives.com/?p=1506). She writes her own blog (which can be found at http://thekisers.blogspot.com). Please check it out because she is a talented writer who is fun to read. And how about the title of today’s blog?!? Grabbed my attention, how about you? Please leave your comments and questions in the “Reply” section below.

Do you struggle with turning your husband down when he initiates sex?

You aren’t alone! I think that’s the thing I hear most when I talk with women about sex: “I wish I was in the mood more, but I’m just not.”

But I also have heard from older (and wiser) women that one of the best things you can do for your marriage and your man is to never deny his advances.

Before we continue can I be honest with you?

First, I struggle with this to. I’m not writing this from expertise.

Second, I’m about to share some truths from the Bible and I’m asking you not to skim past these verses because they are familiar (anyone else do this sometimes?). Soak in every word. Let the Word of God “teach, rebuke, correct and train” (2 Tim 3:16).

I know we both don’t want to get in the habit of telling our husbands no. I know that. Not because we fear that he’ll turn elsewhere (i.e. pornography, adultery, work, etc.) or maybe a part of us does fear that a little bit. But, I believe, it’s a reason bigger than that. The reason is that we know we are called to be his helpmate (Gen. 2:18), to submit to him (Eph. 5:22), and to respect him (Eph. 5:33).

But let’s get real. Even though we want to be a good helpmate and to submit and respect him, it’s still hard to get in the mood some (or, ahem, most) days.

So, how do we get out of the mindset of saying “not interested” when, if we are honest, we just aren’t interested?

First let’s start with what our standard should be:  1 Corinthians 7:5 says, “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

We are biblically commanded to not deprive our husbands of sex. That can’t be argued. So if we are commanded to have sex, how do we change our apathy towards it?

Philippians 2:13 directly answers the problem, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves…”

Saying no to sex because we’re tired or had a hard day is rooted in selfish ambition. Instead we are challenged to consider our husband above ourselves.

I have heard it said many times that marriage is for our holiness not our happiness. Many days it might simply be about you saying, “I am tired and it has been a horrible day, but I love you and I want to connect with you. I’m willing to sacrifice some couch time watching my favorite show, so we can connect.”

It’s hard, I’m not saying I have this down by any means. Which is why I came up with a fun way for my husband to turn my apathy into a “yes.” I gave my husband this for Valentine’s Day one year:

No not the books or picture frames, but that jar of screws.

Originally it held 365 screws and it was the gift of a year of sex. There is no expiration date on this gift. Any screw can be redeemed for any sexual favor. I gave them to him to redeem when I wasn’t in the mood. I can’t tell you how this has helped our sex life! And it has been so fun to come home and there’s a screw laying on my pillow. I even added a rule that I can redeem a screw back!

Question: How do you feel your relationship with your husband would improve if your husband knew you’d always say “yes” to his advances? Have you done anything creative to say “yes” more?

 Becky is a wife (to Chris Kiser, computer genius and one day president, since 2007 ), stay at home mom (to daughter, Karis, girly girl and tenacious toddler, born August 2010), blogger (http://thekisers.blogspot.com), Tweeter (https://twitter.com/#!/beckykiser), Facebook-er (https://www.facebook.com/becky.kiser) and speaker/teacher (website coming soon!).

Comments 4

  1. May 24, 2012

    I’m not a ‘Never say No’ wife, but I am a ‘Practically say No’ wife. I’ve only been married 2 years and I think I’ve said no twice. But my no was really like a ‘Not yet’.

    I was thinking of a good analogy for this and I thought of watching a movie. Now I know it isn’t exactly the same because sex is way more intimate than watching a movie, so there are differences, but maybe it will help explain my viewpoint.

    My husband and I use the 1-10 scale a lot when making non-critical decisions. As in “On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being high), how much do you feel like Chinese food for dinner tonight?” Helps break ties or at least communicate excitement or lack there of for what we’re doing.

    Movies:
    There are times where he’s like a 10 for watching a movie. I might be at a 7, so a movie it is! It wasn’t my idea, but it sure sounds good to me.

    There are times where I’m like a 9 for watching a movie. But he’s like a 3. Then we start talking about it. Can I get his number up higher? What’s causing it to be only a 3? It might involve discussing which movie we’re going to watch. If it wasn’t an action film, then maybe I’m up to a 6 or 7.

    There are times when he’s like a 10 for watching a movie, but I’m like a 1. A 1? Uh oh…definitely worth a conversation. Probably doesn’t end in watching a movie though. To be a 1 means that there are major objections. It’s not a number I use lightly.

    Sex:
    There are times where he’s like a 10 for having sex. I might be at a 7, so sex it is! It wasn’t my idea, but it sure sounds good to me.

    There are times where I’m like a 9 for having sex. But he’s like a 3. Then we start talking about it. Can I get his number up higher? What’s causing it to be only a 3? Whether to have sex is a discussion. It might involve discussing how involved the sex will be (quick romp or something more involved).

    There are times when he’s like a 10 for having sex, but I’m like a 1. A 1? Uh oh…definitely worth a conversation. Probably doesn’t end in sex though. To be a 1 means that there are major objections. It’s not a number I use lightly. (Now, I don’t say ‘I’m only like a 1 for having sex with’…that’d be rude! But its kind of what I’m thinking.)

    I would hope most of us would agree that sex shouldn’t be forced – whether that’s through gunpoint, married or unmarried or just manipulated. I heard a sermon where a pastor was mad at a man who wouldn’t give grocery money to his wife unless she had sex. So, was sex her choice? I guess so, but it certainly wasn’t freely given. My husband has a right to my body, but he doesn’t have a right to manipulate me or force me to do anything. Same with me. I can ask him to help me with the chores OR I can cry and whine and talk about how he doesn’t serve me and guilt him into taking out the trash. In one situation, he’s gladly serving me. In the other, he’s only taking out the trash so that he can minimize living with a shrew!

    For me to say “no” or “not yet” to sex, its usually because of some EXTREME medical/health/exhaustion issue that my husband just wasn’t aware of when he asked/initiated. Not just “oh, I’m a little tired tonight”, but “honey, I know you don’t know this, but I’ve literally been puking all day long…can we postpone to tomorrow?”

    The other time I’d say ‘not yet’ is if he and I were having issues or I was emotionally somewhere else like “Hubs, dear, can we first talk about the fight I had with my mom? Otherwise I think I’ll be so distracted.” or “Can we talk for a minute? I was pretty hurt by your comment at breakfast and I’d like to figure that out first.”

    Since my husband wants me to enjoy sex, I’ve always gotten a “you betcha!” as a response. Since my body belongs to him, he doesn’t want to abuse it.

  2. Liz
    July 21, 2012

    I admit, I used to get offended when I heard you should Never refuse your husbands sexual request. I would think to myself, hey I’m important too. Somewhere in 24 years of marriage a light bulb has turned on for me. It really takes so little to make my husband happy and you know what I usually end up quite happy too because I have a very attentive husband! I have learned that feelings follow action. I may not feel all revved up when I lay down beside him at night but once I start returning his kisses and caresses I often find there was a fire smoldering under those ashed over coals! I can honestly say (and I tell my husband this) I have never regretted saying yes to sex, not once. So what I am saying is that if you want to feel more connected in your relationship, go with the flow more often. I guarantee you will be happier and less stressed together and it really doesn’t take that much effort 😉

    1. August 14, 2012

      Hello Liz,

      Great advice! Sometime I remind myself, “It’s not like he’s asking for a kidney.” 😉

      Blessings,
      Jennifer

  3. August 14, 2012

    Hello Jayme,

    Thanks for this excellent advice. I love how you are keeping the communication lines open with the 1 to 10 scale. A great suggestion to implement!

    Blessings
    Jennifer

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