Today’s blog is written by the delightful Becky Kiser (you can read her previous CWIVES guest blog at this link http://www.cwives.com/?p=1506). She writes her own blog (which can be found at http://thekisers.blogspot.com). Please check it out because she is a talented writer who is fun to read. And how about the title of today’s blog?!? Grabbed my attention, how about you? Please leave your comments and questions in the “Reply” section below.
Do you struggle with turning your husband down when he initiates sex?
You aren’t alone! I think that’s the thing I hear most when I talk with women about sex: “I wish I was in the mood more, but I’m just not.”
But I also have heard from older (and wiser) women that one of the best things you can do for your marriage and your man is to never deny his advances.
Before we continue can I be honest with you?
First, I struggle with this to. I’m not writing this from expertise.
Second, I’m about to share some truths from the Bible and I’m asking you not to skim past these verses because they are familiar (anyone else do this sometimes?). Soak in every word. Let the Word of God “teach, rebuke, correct and train” (2 Tim 3:16).
I know we both don’t want to get in the habit of telling our husbands no. I know that. Not because we fear that he’ll turn elsewhere (i.e. pornography, adultery, work, etc.) or maybe a part of us does fear that a little bit. But, I believe, it’s a reason bigger than that. The reason is that we know we are called to be his helpmate (Gen. 2:18), to submit to him (Eph. 5:22), and to respect him (Eph. 5:33).
But let’s get real. Even though we want to be a good helpmate and to submit and respect him, it’s still hard to get in the mood some (or, ahem, most) days.
So, how do we get out of the mindset of saying “not interested” when, if we are honest, we just aren’t interested?
First let’s start with what our standard should be: 1 Corinthians 7:5 says, “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
We are biblically commanded to not deprive our husbands of sex. That can’t be argued. So if we are commanded to have sex, how do we change our apathy towards it?
Philippians 2:13 directly answers the problem, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves…”
Saying no to sex because we’re tired or had a hard day is rooted in selfish ambition. Instead we are challenged to consider our husband above ourselves.
I have heard it said many times that marriage is for our holiness not our happiness. Many days it might simply be about you saying, “I am tired and it has been a horrible day, but I love you and I want to connect with you. I’m willing to sacrifice some couch time watching my favorite show, so we can connect.”
It’s hard, I’m not saying I have this down by any means. Which is why I came up with a fun way for my husband to turn my apathy into a “yes.” I gave my husband this for Valentine’s Day one year:
No not the books or picture frames, but that jar of screws.
Originally it held 365 screws and it was the gift of a year of sex. There is no expiration date on this gift. Any screw can be redeemed for any sexual favor. I gave them to him to redeem when I wasn’t in the mood. I can’t tell you how this has helped our sex life! And it has been so fun to come home and there’s a screw laying on my pillow. I even added a rule that I can redeem a screw back!
Question: How do you feel your relationship with your husband would improve if your husband knew you’d always say “yes” to his advances? Have you done anything creative to say “yes” more?
Becky is a wife (to Chris Kiser, computer genius and one day president, since 2007 ), stay at home mom (to daughter, Karis, girly girl and tenacious toddler, born August 2010), blogger (http://thekisers.blogspot.com), Tweeter (https://twitter.com/#!/beckykiser), Facebook-er (https://www.facebook.com/becky.kiser) and speaker/teacher (website coming soon!).